Mass Effect: Of Bad Days and Bar Fights
by The Space Bagel
Summary: In which Shepard's day is horrible, her squad throws her a party, and she experiences claustrophobia. One-shot. Slightly crack-ish.


**Authors Note: I honestly have no idea what I just wrote. All I know is that it was meant to be a chapter for one of my stories, but it made no sense so it is its own story now. Please rate and review. Anyone who spots the hidden fandom(s) in this gets an internet cookie. In case you are wondering about the plot of this one, I don't think it has one to be honest. **

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect, nor do I own Shepard and company. Oh woe is me._

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There were many things no one knew about Alex Shepard. Like, for instance, that she was part of a fandom that had died over one hundred years ago and would often times say 'I believe in Sherlock Holmes' when she was sure no one else could hear her. How she would take cardboard tubes that once held wrapping paper and use them to pretend she was a wizard, a knight, The Doctor, or anything else she felt like. And even that she would _always_ refuse cupcakes, no matter how they were baked or their ingredients. But the one thing everyone knew about her was that you don't mess with her, ever.

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Shepard was _tired. _She had just finished a 'Fetch' mission in which she had to go to some planet, retrieve some special item, and bring it back to some high and mighty snob. But it wasn't _that _simple; if it was maybe she wouldn't be so frustrated and tired right now.

During the mission Shepard had her gun kicked out of her hand and down into a void of nothingness. She was nearly tossed down the void of nothingness herself, but somehow the god Cthulhul appeared out of thin air and ate the offending husk before it had a chance to Sparta-kick Shepard into oblivion.

After having lost her gun Shepard was forced to rely on her biotics to keep her from getting murderised by everything. Tali had to return to the Normandy due to a suit rupture so it was only Samara and Shepard left now, and what do you know; the enemies were not affected by biotics at all.

And to top it all off, when Shepard had finally managed to retrieve said expensive item the Salarian she had to give it to only gave her 500 credits. So yes, Shepard was a bit tired.

With that mission over with, Shepard decided to call it an early night. She entered the Normandy through the airlock, walked past Kelly (who was telling her that there were new messages at her private terminal), waited patiently for the elevator to _move at all_, and flopped down onto her bed. She closed her eyes and promptly fell asleep.

She dreamt of flying and falling, coming up with the conclusion that falling was like flying, except there's a more permanent destination.

Her dream, however, was soon interrupted by her bedroom door opening and the sound of footsteps entering the room. They were hushed, timid ones, almost as though the person walking was attempting be as quiet as possible. Shepard easily recognized them as being Tali's.

"Shepard, Joker asked me to remind you that we were having your party tonight. S-so you should probably get up soon, if you want I mean." Tali said as she wrung her hands and looked at the ground.

"Tali, you're acting like I'm going to go Super-Siayan on you for waking me up." Shepard said with a smile on her face.

**Now boys and girls, I'd like to say something. Most sane people wouldn't dare to wake up Shepard, as they are very much aware of what she does to her alarm clocks when they wake her up. Normally Shepard would not take kindly to someone just entering her room out of the blue; in most circumstances she would Reave their ass to the moon. Tali had to be the exception, as Shepard thought of Tali like a little sister and she would never attack her. If it was Jacob then maybe she would, but not Tali. With that being said, Tali's reaction is perfectly reasonable and understandable**.** I mean, how would YOU react to someone how might go Super Nova at any given minute? I'll let you think about that while I sit here and eat this cake I got for being a good test subject. **

"Well, Joker just asked me to remind you and I did, so I guess I'll get going." Tali said, still maintaining the 'look at the floor and wring your hands' mode.

"Wait a second!" Shepard shouted, fumbling to exit the tangled mass of sheets she was currently in. During this she succeeded in falling flat on her face as she fell on the floor, landing with a small yelp. After this brief but epic battle with the bed sheets, Shepard finally managed to be freed from the evil mass and stood up.

"Alright, let's go" Shepard said casually, pretending she didn't just get her ass handed to her by some bed sheets.

"Oh, a-alright" Tali said with a look of surprise on her face (or at least Shepard would guess she would have a look of surprise on her face; she couldn't tell with the mask on).

Shepard followed Tali until they finally reached their destination, which apparently was that-one-bar-on-Illium-which-it's-name-I-can't-remember. Tali walked over to the large table in the back, which currently seated all of Shepard's teammates/crew members/all-squadmates-plus-Joker-and-Doctor-Chakwas.

They all greeted Shepard warmly and soon many of them engaged her in conversation. After a while most began to order drinks and socialize. Shepard was the exception, as she hated parties with a passion.

'Too many people, everyone invades your privacy and personal space.' Is all Shepard would say when asked about the topic.

Of course, she couldn't not go to her own party that her team had put together for her, even if she hated parties with a passion. So Shepard went to the party, but remained in the back, where there was plenty of space and no people. She would go and make conversation with people from time to time, but only for as long as she could bare without feeling like she was being suffocated by the large amount of people.

Shepard was glad that there was such a large amount of people in the bar tonight that no one realized that she was sitting in the back. In all honesty she wasn't sitting all alone, Samara and Thane were also sitting in the back. Shepard was about to ask Samara something around the lines of 'What would you suggest I do to make my Reave stronger?' as there was nothing else to do when a random, unidentified female approached Shepard.

"Heeeey shepherd, come over heeere for a second!" RUF(random unidentified female) said, her words slurring together and her stance wobbly.

'Drunk, obviously' Shepard noted in her head absentmindedly. Before she could think anything else however, RUF grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her into the large sea of people.

Shepard shot a last look towards Samara and Thane as she was engulfed in the sea of people that was a mix between 'what the fuck do I doooo!?' and 'get off your asses and help me!'

As Shepard was dragged against her will through this crowd of people, she felt as if she was being suffocated.

'Oh god, I'm being drowned by everyone else's stupidity, Somehow I knew I would die this way' Shepard thought absentmindedly.

After what seemed like an eternity and a half, they were out of the crowd and into another corner of the room. RUF pushed Shepard into a chair and handed her a drink, saying she would be right back after she told the manager that there was a portal to another dimension in her bar. Shepard looked over to where she pointing to and it just looked like a mirror to her, but before she could say this RUF had left.

Shepard looked down at her drink, which she wasn't even sure the substance it was, and set it on the table beside her.

Standing up, she glanced around the room. The place where Samara and Thane were currently siting was in the opposite corner of the room, and to get there Shepard would have to cross the ocean of people so that meant going back wasn't an option.

Shepard attempted to get either Samara or Thane's attention by waving her arms/jumping up and tossing Stasis. She could have sworn that she saw Samara look over at her but her view was soon blocked by people.

She briefly wished she had the ability to Fus-Ro-Dah or a portal gun at her disposal. Her train of thought however, was disrupted by the feeling of someone's breath on her neck.

That meant they were close, far too close for her liking. Shepard turned around abruptly, coming face to face with a drunk guy. Shepard backed away a foot before asking him a question

"Bro, do you even know what personal space mean?" She awaited a response

"Ehhhh, youzat person everypony be here for? Commander Sheperd or zumthing?" DG(drunk guy) asked, sounding a tad bit dumb.

'Oh my god, even his text sounds retarded' Shepard thought as she read the words being typed.

**Now hold up, something just happened. Ah yes, Shepard just broke the forth wall. Let me fix this real quick.**

'Oh my god, he sounds full on retarded' Shepard thought upon hearing DG speak

**There, that's better. Ok, I'll let you get back to your regularly scheduled program. **

Before Shepard could respond, DG took a step towards her. Shepard then took a step back.

"Yes, I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite bar on the Citadel. Now please piss off." Shepard said, failing to hide the venom in her voice.

"But you look sooo pwetty Shepaaaard!" DG said as he took another step towards Shepard.

"Aw that's nice and all, but I REAAAALLY don't care." Shepard said, taking yet another step back.

"Aww come onnn gurl, you know I'm guuud for it" another step forward.

"How about no." Another step back.

"How bout I dunt take 'nuuuu' fer an answer." another step forward.

"That wouldn't be wise of you." Shepard says finally, attempting to take a step back but finding her back against a wall.

'_Fuck'_ Shepard thought.

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Samara looked through the crowd for Shepard, eyes searching like an Eagle. She saw Garrus hitting on Tali, Joker talking up one of the Asari, Thane sitting calmly in a corner, Jack participating in a drinking game with Grunt, and Miranda and Jacob dancing together, but nowhere could she find Shepard.

Samara felt a form of emotion begin to take hold, fear maybe? She wasn't sure, as she hadn't felt something like that in a long time. Finally, Samara spotted where she had last seen Shepard. A table near the back entrance, Samara had seen Shepard waving frantically to her standing by this table. Then a man approached her, and Samara was unsure of what happened next. The emotion that she identified as fear began to grow stronger.

'What if she was kidnapped by a group of mercenaries?' Samara thought 'There are plenty out there that have a high price on her head'

Samara hurried out the back door, fear growing stronger. Her worry reached its peak when she saw fresh blood on the ground, almost positive it was Shepard's.

'I may be too late' Samara thought with horror

Samara ran, fast. She ran down the alley way, round the corner, and into the nearby warehouse. She ran faster then she had ever run before. But what she saw when she entered the Warehouse was not what she was expecting. She saw Shepard, standing over the body of a human male. There wasn't a scratch on her, but the man looked the opposite. When the man saw Samara, he began to call to her to help him.

"Lady, you gotta help me! She's trying to kill me!" The man pleaded.

Samara looked at Shepard, who seemed confused.

"Shepard" Samara began "what did you do?"

"I had to Reave him" Shepard stated simply "He was going to attack me."

Samara looked at the man, then at Shepard, then back at the man, and finally back to Shepard. Samara chose to believe Shepard on this one. Samara walked over to the man, picked him up by his shirt collar, and knocked him out cold. She dropped him on the ground with a thud.

"There" Samara said "This way we can easier explain our finding him to the police. I think the police will believe you over this man if he tries to tell them you attacked him. For all they know he was just bet up by some local thugs."

"Thanks" Shepard said with a smile as they made their way back to the bar. By the time they had reached there many of the bar-goers had left and only a few remained. All of the members of Shepard's team were still there, many not having noticed Shepard and Samara were gone. The only person who did was Thane, as they made their way back to the corner of the room he remarked how he knew Shepard wasn't in trouble and that she could handle herself.

So for the rest of the night Samara, Shepard, and Thane sat in the back of the room. No one bothered them, but to be honest they were perfectly fine with that. Shepard learned a very valuable lesson that night, in which parties suck and so do large amounts of people. Oh, and she might have learned that Samara worries about her as well, but then that would sound cheesy.

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**A/N: Ya, I bet you didn't expect that plot twist. And no, I don't know WTF I just wrote either. I was originally going to be a chapter for one of my stories, but then I realized that it made no sense so I made it an entirely different story. Write down how many of the fandoms you found while reading this in the reviews section if you'd like.  
**


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